Its 7.34 am on Saturday. The sun is shining, and a cool breeze is blowing. I woke at about 6 am, drank my warm lemon water and jumped out of bed. Early morning wee and downstairs. The washing has been taken out and placed on the line. 

At this moment I feel good about about myself although this has not always been the situation. 

A glass of wine early yesterday evening with a friend brought back many memories of Friday night drinks after work or going to a club. Friday night is party night.  Luckily this time I had to drive because I could easily have had another. These days, though I have learnt to savour a glass and then not continue.

As I sit looking out the back door at the trees and listening to Dawn’s Apple music, I find myself reminiscing back to days that appear so far away now almost like a dream that is fading into the distance, only returning now and then.

For a moment, let’s go back in time to the ’90s at 7.30 am Saturday. I wake feeling like a ton of bricks has landed on my head, and my stomach is churning with that familiar sicky feeling. I feel so tired I just need a bit longer, but I need to get up and go to work. I shower and wash away last night or was it the early hours of the morning, along with yesterdays’ make-up. Oops, a bit too much again. I scrub my teeth, tongue, in fact, the whole mouth as it feels and tastes like and something only a gutter rat would want to be anywhere near. 

Okay, suit on, and make-up reapplied, and I am ready for a day of greeting clients and making them feel and look fantastic. Something I defiantly am not feeling like doing.

I arrive at work at 8.15 to have my 1^st coffee and cigarette of the day in preparation to meet the 1^st client at 8.30 and put on my cloak of joy, happiness and fun persona. 

Oh well, thank god I haven’t got to get the children ready for school today. For me, this was a typical Saturday morning. Friday night out with the girls from work and Adrian, our manager. This is often repeated in the Greyhound Public house opposite my house, this time with my great friends and neighbours. Afterwards, when the pub had closed, it was back to someone’s house to continue the party. I lived for that feeling of warmth, the high of being inclusive and connected to others—a sense of being essential and wanted.

More often than not, Sunday morning was spent in bed recovering from a heavy Saturday night. I need to get up to cook a roast dinner though, as hubby is at football; best foot forward. Argh.

Well, I was a hairdresser, and hairdressers love to party! Or do they? 

Inside, I was an insecure, lonely, unworthy little girl just trying to fit in. I was full of a whirlwind of feelings, thoughts and beliefs about myself. You may have similar ideas about yourself.

I’m just a hairdresser, so this means that I am creative, not bright!  Right?.  

1977 girls had fewer choices, especially with low grades. Just the basics. Maths, English, Domestic science, Geography and, of course, my best grade in Art. Who am I? Where do I belong? Who could love me? I am unlovable 

It doesn’t matter about my story or the story that I told myself. From 35 onwards, I started my self-development journey of discovery. The self-abuse didn’t stop, but I began to understand very quickly that it all came from me. 

Three years ago, I attended a meet-up event called 3Ps (3 principles – Syd Banks 1931- 25 May 2009) (https://www.joebaileyandassociates.com/meeting-syd-banks/)

I was in my usual February blues, worried and scared about how I would pay my mortgage and other outgoings. It was in these moments that I would fall into my old safe behaviour of binging on alcohol to take away the thoughts and connected feelings of utter fear. Drunk, my thoughts would spiral, and I would end up with bad and unkind behaviour to myself and others. I would blame others for the situation that I was viewing. 

It was here that I met three inspiring people. Phil, a coach had created these meetings. Steve Adair and Tony Fieldler.

 I don’t know what happened or what was said that evening.

In the morning, I woke up with a different feeling.  I have attended training seminars in the understanding of the 3Ps with Steve and Tony, who have become friends and mentors. I consider that a win-win. Along with being on the 3 principles apprentice programme.

I am very human and continue to have moments of a lack of clarity and fall on my knees as I trip on the pavement of life. I still am not sure who I am, though I am confident that I am a human being made of mass energy. Some may call this spirit and soul.

 I am just having the experience of a world I don’t understand. But that’s okay because as I trip my way along the road on my journey creating new adventures. I am learning and evolving. I feel a lot safer now, comfortable and know that when I have those moments I don’t have to hold on to those feelings and the thoughts will pass by, some more quickly than others but they always do pass. 

As we sit in these times of uncertainty, I have kept myself safe knowing that “This too will pass.” 

I do meditate, although not every day; I do journal, again, not every day and use a technique called Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping. 

I was AF (Alcohol-Free) for two years. I now have the occasional glass of wine or gin & tonic; I am able to savour the subtle flavours, not the effects. A feeling that I am experiencing life instead of sheltering myself away from fear and pain.