It’s Saturday morning and my feelings are positive. The sun is shining, and a cool breeze is blowing. I woke at about 6am, drank my warm lemon water, jumped out of bed and went downstairs. The washing has been taken out and placed on the line.
At this moment I feel good about about myself, although this has not always been the case.
A glass of wine early yesterday evening with a friend brought back many memories of Friday night drinks after work or going to a club. Friday night is party night. Luckily this time I had to drive because I could easily have had another. These days, though, I have learnt to savour a glass and then not continue.
As I sit looking out the back door at the trees and listening to music, I find myself reminiscing back to days that appear so far away now almost like a dream that is fading into the distance, only to return now and then.
For a moment, let’s go back in time to the ’90s on a Saturday morning; this time, the feelings are very different. I wake feeling like a ton of bricks has landed on my head, and my stomach is churning with that familiar sicky feeling. I feel so tired I just need a bit longer in bed, but I need to get up and go to work. I shower and wash away last night or was it the early hours of the morning, along with yesterday’s make-up. Oops, a bit too much again. I scrub my teeth, tongue, in fact, my whole mouth as it feels and tastes like something only a gutter rat would want to be anywhere near.
Suit on and make-up reapplied, and I am ready for a day of greeting clients and making them feel and look fantastic. Something I definitely do not feel like doing.
I arrive at work at 8:15am to have my first coffee and cigarette of the day in preparation to meet my first client at 8:30am, and I put on my joy, happiness and fun persona. Thank goodness I haven’t got to get the children ready for school today.
For me, this was a typical Saturday morning. Friday night out with the girls from work and Adrian, our manager. This was often repeated in the Greyhound pub opposite my house with my great friends and neighbours. Afterwards, when the pub had closed, it was back to someone’s house to continue the party. I lived for that feeling of warmth, the high of being inclusive and connected to others—a sense of being essential and wanted.
More often than not, Sunday morning was spent in bed recovering from a heavy Saturday night. I usually needed to get up to cook a roast dinner though, as hubby was at football.
I was a hairdresser, and hairdressers love to party. Or do they?
Inside, I was an insecure, lonely, unworthy little girl just trying to fit in. I was full of a whirlwind of feelings, thoughts and beliefs about myself. You may have similar ideas about yourself.
I’m just a hairdresser, so this means that I am creative, not bright. Right?
In 1977, girls had fewer choices, especially with low grades. I just had the basics: Maths, English, Domestic Science, Geography, and Art, my best grade. Who am I? Where do I belong? Who could love me? I felt unlovable.
It doesn’t matter about my story or the story I told myself. From age 35 onwards, I started my self-development journey of discovery. The self-abuse didn’t stop straigh away, but I began to understand very quickly that it all came from me.
Three years ago, I attended a meet-up event called the 3 Principles by Sydney Banks.
I was in my usual February blues, worried and scared about how I would pay my mortgage and other outgoings. It was in these moments that I would fall into my old safe behaviour of drinking too much alcohol to take away the thoughts and connected feelings of utter fear. Drunk, my thoughts would spiral, and I would end up with bad and unkind behaviour to myself and others. I would blame others for the situation that I was in.
It was at this event that I met three inspiring people: Phil, a coach who had created these meetings, Steve Adair, and Tony Fieldler.
I don’t remember what happened or what was said that evening, but in the morning, I woke up with a different feeling. Since then, I have attended training seminars in understanding the 3Ps with Steve and Tony, who have become friends and mentors, and I joined the 3 Principles apprentice programme.
I am only human and continue to have moments of a lack of clarity and fall on my knees as I trip on the pavement of life. I still am not sure who I am, though I am confident I am a human being made of mass energy. Some may call this spirit and soul.
I am experiencing a world I don’t understand, but that’s okay because as I trip my way along the road on my journey, I create new adventures, and I am learning and evolving. I feel a lot safer now and more comfortable. I know that when I have those moments I don’t have to hold on to those feelings and the thoughts will pass by, some more quickly than others but they always do pass.
As we sit in these times of uncertainty, I have kept myself safe knowing that, “This too will pass.”
I meditate most days, I keep a journal, and I use a technique called Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping.
I was completely alcohol free for two years. I now have the occasional glass of wine or gin and tonic; I am able to savour the subtle flavours, not the effects. I now feel that I am experiencing life instead of sheltering myself away from fear and pain.
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