A letter to myself
Why did I start this journey?
I believe in change, and I think anyone can make a change. It isn’t always easy, but it is possible.
I spent 5.5 years lecturing in a college working with young people, and they all bought me joy and lessons in my own life. But many were struggling. They had family issues, emotions and thoughts, and many of them didn’t have the support from their homes. I spent a great deal of time counselling and supporting without the training or support of my superiors.
I enjoyed watching the students of all ages grow both in their skills and as individuals. It has been a pleasure to part of their journeys.
I ask myself, why choose addiction?
In the last year, 2020, I shared that I had spent a good percentage of my life as a functioning alcoholic.
Oh, I didn’t start that way! It just sneaked up on me. I have felt and experienced how addiction, cigarettes and alcohol can take control of your life. These are legal and so readily available.
I also see how it affects families and friends. I say this from personal experience as well as from clients’ families.
I am naturally a curious person, a bit like a cat, always wanting to know-how and why.
So, I began the journey of NLP-Time-Line/hypnosis and MNLP after leaving employment in further education in 2011 to make a difference in my life and others.
My passion was always young people and addiction. I wanted to create a program that could go into schools, colleges and probation centres. It was to stop or encourage them to seek different choices and recognise their behaviours and thinking that could lead them into the justice system.
Once in, it isn’t easy to escape.
Over half the male prison population have alcohol/drug issues that led them to commit criminal offences. For women, it is lower, nonetheless still important.
If we as a country addressed the problem and look for solutions to help these people, we could invest in education and health service instead of using the revolving door system.
I am beginning to rant and could go on forever. This, though, was my WHY.
I just needed to remind myself because through all the noise around what you should be doing, posting and saying on social media. Who is your audience? write out an avatar of your ideal client. So on and so forth.
I have many supporters and friends that I am full of gratitude and love for, but I have listened to so much advice that I forgot and got lost as to WHY.
The form you have selected does not exist.
When I was with them I was so in control, funny, witty and defiantly prettier than without them. This I knew because the mirror never lies. I was so popular.
Then I found more and more I didn’t want to be without them.
I believed that I was lonely, depressed, sad and obviously no-one understood my problems, least of all me.
Oh welcome back.
So I have a fag and a glass of whiskey, just the one, go out and have some fun. After all I am the ultimate party girl. Its who I believed I was. Yes I truly believed that and as true friends started to question my drinking habits, I would just reply “there is nothing wrong with enjoying a drink, or I am not an alcoholic”, “rubbish that’s him over there the old guy on the stool, I just like a drink.”
Even when I was taking wine into work in a Tupperware cup and topping up at the pub next door. This was because I believed my manager was making things very difficult for me. This was after she found out I was earning more than she was. Well lets face it, I needed to, I had a lifestyle I had committed to. Obviously it was all her fault, her behaviour made me drink? This behaviour continued into my forties, when my husband and I had break and I learnt to be with me.
When I was 35 a client gave me a book called “Living Magically” by Gil Edwards https://www.livingmagically.co.uk/gill-edwards/
This book was the beginning of a new journey and a new story.
I realised after reading this book that no-one was responsible for making me unhappy, only me. It wasn’t my husbands fault, it wasn’t any of my bosses or work colleagues, not the government or my neighbours.
It was mine.
However I didnt have the answers then to how this could change or how?
What I was supposed to do?
So on the journey I continued. Oh yes with my 2 besties by my side. After all I believe I can give them up anytime I want and actually the evidence was that I did. When I was pregnant I no longer needed them, my body just rejected them for some of the time. They were my friends and always stood by me when the chips were down. And they often were down. They were my choice and no-one was going to tell me any different.
I read Louise Hay, this was because my client Julia (lovely Irish lady) her brother was Louise’s Chiropodist, yes “You can Heal your Life.” Next came “The Celestine Prophecy” I cut my finger on the pages so thought it was a sign to buy. It blew me away and explained everything so clearly. Onto Susan Jeffers, Esther Hicks and Rhonda Byrne and many others.
What was I searching for?
Why am I here? What is my life purpose? Where am I going? Where have I been?
Oh I didn’t know. What I did know though as I suspect many of you do to,
I wanted to be happy, you know, happy in myself, with myself. I wanted to experience and really feel that peace and calm in my heart spreading out throughout my whole being.
What was stoppping this?
I have come to the realisation that all the above was just an illusion, a picture I was painting [yes I loved Art] even a story I was repeating in my head. I was creating a “poor me” landscape.
Well after the 1st book I read, I had another huge realisation!
What if everything was rosey in my garden and I was happy in my relationship and I even had loads of money etc etc, I would have nothing in common with my work colleagues, friends, neighbours etc, what would we talk about? Who would be my friends? After all I need to have something in common with others and in my thoughts It was our partying/drinking and getting drunk and our crappy relationships.
It was easy to stay in the drama of my thoughts.
I have recently come to the realisation that the THOUGHTS were the problem and most defiantly also the answer.
Oh I get it! You’ve all heard it before, change your thoughts and you change the landscape.
I also get that it may not be your time as lets face it, they are your thoughts.
But heres the thing that Ive learnt.
Yes, these are thoughts about the past and the future. We can all pull out the short straw of a story but being attached to its very essence and relieving every moment in the most minute detail (most of which is created in the moment) that being because every time we search for a memory and start to relive it we change an aspect of it, “was it the blue shoes or the red ones? So how true is the story you are living and how does it make you feel? And when you feel that crappy, how do you behave to yourself and others?
I know that I was unkind to myself,
well that’s what I deserved, “I am such a bad undeserving person”, so-on and so-on. Mmm, was this the truth? Or was it a story I was creating in my head, it was what I’d been told as a child so it must be true.
No it wasn’t and it isn’t for you either. If we truly examine a story, it can quite often be filled up with he/she should, he/she made me feel, I know what they were trying to do/what they were thinking.
Can we ever really know what someone else is thinking or even doing?
Not even a psychic can know truly what you are actually thinking and experiencing, why? Because its unique to you.
Who would you be without your story?
When I let go of the should, would haves and you made me feel, I am calm and peaceful in heart and head. When a thought arises that challenges and brings up an old negative e-motion, I just ask, how do I want to feel and is the thought true now? Generally not because its normally a thought about how I think someone else SHOULD behave. Yes this Is their business how they behave and my business is to take good care of me and only me. When I am well and healthy and not attached to a drama or story I am in the now and present. This is where I can offer my presence to you and sit with you with love and peace.
And Guess What?
I gave up my 2 best friends only to recognise some that are actually human. By the way I still enjoy a Gin & Tonic in moderation. Haha.